I am

Where have I been?

It feels a bit off for me to not have the month of November filled with all things "Thankful." The truth is I have written several posts but I was not satisfied enough to push the publish button. Things have been a bit raw for me lately and I found myself in a place words could not find.  

I was warned, I was even cautioned and I was told that "when I decided to be all in," to be willing to do whatever He asked of me that "I would gain and I would lose."

I have gained a little boy who has my whole heart, but is an ocean away.

I have lost a close friend (ouch) this was a tough one.

I have kept a close friend, This person is beyond more than I asked and prayed for.  This is a tough and well..... brutal road I am on. I know that sound dramatic, but the truth is when your child is half a world away it is brutal. Every day is a fight to trust, believe and to lay everything down knowing He is in control. This friend has held my hand, prayed, cheered me on, fundraised with, and for us. She has given me words of encouragement, wisdom and comfort. My closest and sweetest friend has been so much of my strength during this time. God is and has worked so mightily through her. She is that friend that truly knows me from the inside out, the good, the bad, and she accepts every part of me. The most important part of our friendship is that she points me to my king everytime. What a Gift!

 I have lost all ability to reason with God, truth? I never really had the ability, but I sure tried.

I have gained a whole group of lovely ladies who are walking the same journey as me. We have celebrated together, cried together and even been angry together. These lovely ladies are some of the best women I have ever met, and the funny thing is we are spread out all over the U.S. 

 I lost many tears over what my eyes have seen during this season, I have watched a dear friend beg for her daddy to be with her for one more Christmas, and I have seen little children on the street without a warm place to lay their heads, I have seen the eyes of a little boy that want so baldly to forget all the ugly he has seen in just the short life he has lived, I have seen the wealthy man turn his his head to the poor and the needy, not out of pride, but out fear. I have seen a young man fight for his life not giving into the cancer.

I have gained a deeper understanding of my Fathers love for me and for others. A love I pray many more will come to truly understand.

Amongst the loss I have learned that we can find beauty in the pain and we can trust an all knowing Father who cares more than we will ever be able to understand.

I have gained more than I have lost and I am holding on in the middle of the storm.